in divorce. Seventy-five percent of those who divorce will
remarry, but sixty-five percent of those marriages also end
The truth is that a successful marriage is based on both
partners having good skills: to manage inevitable conflicts;
to express admiration and appreciation; to accept influence
from the other person; and to nurture love and romance.
They have realistic expectations of each other and
understand how to interact to keep love coming back.
The best way to ensure you beat the odds and
ensure a long and satisfying marriage is to explore all the
issues and get the skills and training you need together,
before you marry. Pre-marital counseling can help you chart a successful marriage.
Grinstead & Associates can help couples find solutions in troubled relationships and new relationships. Couples need not give up in despair if their situation seems bleak. By the same token, people afraid of entering long-term relationships can be encouraged by learning that trouble relationships can be fixed.
Our Approach to Couples Counseling:
1. Changes the views of the relationship.
Throughout the therapeutic process, the therapist attempts to help both partners see the relationship in a more objective manner. They learn to stop the "blame game" and instead look at what happens to them as a process involving each partner. They also can benefit from seeing that their relationship takes place in a certain context. For example, couples who struggle financially will be under different kinds of situational stresses than those who are not. Therapists begin this process by collecting "data" on the interaction between the partners by watching how they interact. Therapists then formulate "hypotheses" about what causal factors may be in play to lead to the way the couples interact. How they share this information with the couple varies by the therapist's particular theoretical orientation. There's empirical support for a variety of approaches from behavioral to insight-oriented. Different therapists will use different strategies, but as long as they focus on altering the way the relationship is understood, the couple can start to see each other, and their interactions, in more adaptive ways.
2. Modifies dysfunctional behavior.
Effective couples therapists attempt to change the way that the partners actually behave with each other. This means that in addition to helping them improve their interactions, therapists also need to ensure that their clients are not engaging in actions that can cause physical, psychological, or economic harm. In order to do this, therapists must conduct a careful assessment to determine whether their clients are, in fact, at risk. If necessary, the therapist may recommend, for example, that one partner be referred to a domestic violence shelter, to specialized drug abuse treatment, or to anger management. It is also possible that if the risk is not sufficiently severe, the couple can benefit from "time-out" procedures to stop the escalation of conflict.
3. Decreases emotional avoidance.
Couples who avoid expressing their private feelings put themselves at greater risk of becoming emotionally distant and hence grow apart. Effective couples therapists help their clients bring out the emotions and thoughts that they fear expressing to the other person. Attachment-based couples therapy allows the partners to feel less afraid of expressing their needs for closeness. According to this view, some partners who failed to develop "secure" emotional attachments in childhood have unmet needs that they carry over into their adult relationships. They fear showing their partners how much they need them because they are afraid that their partners will reject them. Behaviorally based therapists, assume that adults may fear expressing their true feelings because, in the past, they did not receive "reinforcement." Either way, both theoretical approaches advocate helping their clients express their true feelings in a way that will eventually draw them closer together.
4. Improves communication.
Being able to communicate is one of the "three C's" of intimacy. All effective couples therapies focus on helping the partners to communicate more effectively. Building on principles #2 and #3, this communication should not be abusive, nor should partners ridicule each other when they do express their true feelings. Couples may, therefore, require "coaching" to learn how to speak to each other in more supportive and understanding ways. The therapist may also provide the couple with didactic instruction to give them the basis for knowing what types of communication are effective and what types will only cause more conflict. They can learn how to listen more actively and empathically, for example. However, exactly how to accomplish this step requires that therapists turn back to the assessments they performed early on in treatment. Couples with a long history of mutual criticism may require a different approach than those who try to avoid conflict at all costs.
5. Promotes strengths.
Effective couples therapists point out the strengths in the relationship and build resilience particularly as therapy nears a close. Because so much of couples therapy involves focusing on problem areas, it's easy to lose sight of the other areas in which couples function effectively. The point of promoting strength is to help the couple derive more enjoyment out of their relationship. The behaviorally-oriented therapist may "prescribe" that one partner do something that pleases the other. Therapists from other orientations that focus more on emotions instead might help the couple develop a more positive "story" or narrative about their relationship. In either case, the therapist should avoid trying to put his or her own spin on what constitutes a strength and let this be defined by the couple.
6. Each couple is unique and each couples counseling plan is individual to their needs and solutions to their problems.
Pre Marriage Counseling
The best way to ensure you beat the odds and ensure a long and satisfying marriage is to explore all the issues and get the skills and training you need together,before you marry. Pre-marital counseling can help you chart a successful marriage. Mutual expectations, finances, conflict resolutions skills, communication differences, financial management, cultural and religious differences, and feelings about children should be discussed before you marry, not after.
It is time seek help before marriage when these situations arise:
- When you have been too long in a courtship. If you have
been engaged for more than nine years, plan on marrying,
but haven’t, it’s time to understand what’s going on.
- When one partner is “commitment-phobic.” Find out what
lies at the root of the fear so you can move forward in your
relationship or move on.
- When you can’t resolve significant issues. The number one
predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.
If you aren’t yet married, but already disagree about issues
related to money, children, chores, work, sex or a host of
other things, now is the time to learn how to address
- When you have failed at a marriage and want to try again.
Every happy, successful couple has as many as 10 areas of
“irreconcilable differences,” but they accept and respect
them as part of their relationship.